Last year I started down a path to change my health. At the start of the journey, I didn’t really realize it would be one so emotional. I was determined to see that all that was aligning me was righted.
I was injured torn ACL in my knee this seemed straight forward, right. I was injured and I needed to be fixed. Unfortunately it was a slow process! Dr’s appointments, MRI’s, more appointments. All the time limited in my movements and seriously feeling like I was tied down. Stuck if you will, figuratively and literally.
Also I was suffering monthly with painful menstrual periods, so we might as well get everything done at the same time, if I was going to be spending the year in this zone of pain misery, let’s get as much taken care of as possible.
Most women can relate to the discomfort that comes along with our monthly “friend” , it is just something that we learn to deal with from an early age. But I was stuck, gripped by pain that would literally stop my world from revolving every month. It was like I was moving in a slow motion movie as I watched people around me moving at double speed. The amount of drugs that I was take to dull the pain, dulled my senses and left me in a haze. Even with all of that, I would awaken in the night screaming and crying from the pain, it penetrate even my dreams. It was not a place that I could spend the next 10 years. Stuck, held back by the body that wanted to love.
So again more doctor’s visits, and specialists, tests and procedures. In April we opt’d for the less invasive Laparoscopy, D&C and Endometrial ablation, the good news they could find nothing wrong. The bad news that all my symptoms were 10x worse after. Next I was getting ready for the big knee surgery, drilling, screws and scares.
Within a few short months I was back again, this time we were making a more serious decision. At 42 it was time to end the pain and suffering and have a hysterectomy.
Now don’t get me wrong, over 20 years ago I made the decision to turn off the baby maker I had a tubal ligation, it was the smart, responsible thing to do after 4 kids. A couple of time over the years, I had thought about the idea of more children, with IVF or tubal reversal. But as I moved into my 40’s even that idea had slowly faded away.
When I started the process, I had firmly in my mind that I was ready to move on from the pain and suffering. But theses are the physically details…
My mind was made up, I had reached the point where the pain of staying in my comfort zone was greater than moving forward. I knew, I could feel with every bone in my body that I was not just making a physical change, but that I was taking a step forward in my personal transformation. I instinctually knew that I was holding in my womb all of the emotional pain that I had endured up until now.
For some reason out of the blue, I decided that I needed to listen to a WISH Summit recording from two years ago. I was listening to Mary Morrissey and she was relating the story of how she can to understand the body-thought connection, while she was experiencing a severe kidney infection that required surgery. She tells how a small sift in her thoughts, allowed all the negative emotions in her life to be removed with her kidney. She went on to recover very quickly and begin her journey to discover why and how this worked.
I connected with the story right away… I knew that is what I needed to do. I spent the next week intentional visualizing all the negative feelings and emotions, all that baggage from my earlier years. All that pain and hurt, I placed it all in my womb. Waiting for the surgery.
I spent time thinking about how as women we are so connected to our wombs… to our babies makers, whether we decide to have children or not, it was what physically makes as a women. I wondered if I would feel less of a women. Thoughts circled in my head. Worried rested in my heart. But I spent time there, I spent time getting to know the feelings I was leaving behind. I spent time…. learning to understand that now was the time to let that all go. And allow my body to heal so that I could move forward.
Did I cry…. yes, but not for things lost, but for the intimacy with my true self with the knowledge that touched emotions long hidden. And that journey did not make me a weaker women, but a stronger one. A women that can know and feel strong emotions and then let them go on the wind, the water, the air and into the earth… so that those emotions and feelings can be seeds for something greater.
Most know of the stories of the Maiden, the Mother and the Crone. The Maiden is the story of fresh new beginnings. The Mother is the story of creation. And the Crone is transformation and wisdom. I am eager to find my place as an Crone, an old wise women with much wisdom to share. but I know that I am not done my experience as the Mother, I may no longer have a physical womb with which I can create life, I have much left to fulfill. I now create from my spiritual womb, where negative emotions and thoughts can no longer reside. I create from a space of pure love and ultimate truth.
With a feeling of transcendence and enlightenment, I feel that I that I am empowered to call on all the forces of nature, wind, fire, air and earth to fill me with ideas, thoughts, causes… a story that can be heard by all women of every generation. I feel that this is what the world needs to hear right now. Empowered women, allowing the universe to speak through them to teach all that will listen.
There are still many lessons I need to learn before I am ready to be that the Crone, Wise Women, but I intend to share my transformational story with everyone.
This is what I have learned so far:
- Everything is an opportunity to grown and learn
- There is an amazing body-thought process that happens
- We are not the circumstances we live, we can always decide how we will react
- Evolution and transformation are part of our life journey
- There is always more!